Family on Friday!!!
For the last several weeks we've discussed handling confrontations more constructively and generally about setting a good example for expressing anger without losing control. Now let's finish this series with a big why.
Children who learn effective arguing techniques from their parents are less likely to respond to peer pressure.
One of the trickiest of life's lessons (I see many older adults that still haven't learned) is to say no to someone you care about. Forget pushers and bullies. Your child's greatest threat to doing something they don't want to comes from their friends, teachers, and older siblings.
If you only teach unquestioning obedience, you risk them agreeing to bad ideas, even if that means they're disobeying a previous instruction. You're not there at that moment. This robot you've raised is receiving a new set of instructions that will override yours.
Relish in your kids' expressions of their own will. Help them learn that they will be listened to and taken seriously without resorting to violence, insults, screaming, and/or whining. Even more importantly, they need to know that disagreeing with someone they care about will not end a friendship/relationship.
How spectacular would it be if your child's resolve and poise in an argument with their friend steers the friend away from making a potentially fatal decision? I'm sure that friend's parents would appreciate it.
You'll have to pick your battles to lose. If the youngun' asks politely to stay up an hour past his/her bedtime to finish a movie, relent before whining and throwing ensues (and don't negotiate with terrorists). Chances are the kid won't last another hour. Sometimes, edifying strong negotiation skills outweigh a strict adherence to house rules.
Letting your child win an argument/confrontation after both of you have been (mostly) calm and have had a chance to state your cases, boosts their confidence as well as helps them remain calm the next time.
I hope these discussions have helped lessen the anger you feel (and show) during familial bouts, showed you that having them is a functional and natural process, and explained that these times can wind up playing a pivotal role in your child's preparedness for the rest of the world.
Showing posts with label Family on Friday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family on Friday. Show all posts
16 March, 2012
09 March, 2012
And In This Corner... Part IV
Family on Friday!!!
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
02 March, 2012
And In This Corner... Part III
Family on Friday!!!
Last week we continued discussing resolving confrontation within the family by underlining the importance of not escalating a bad situation by losing control of your anger.
Let's get the cliches out of the way: You can't fight fire with fire. You don't want to pour gasoline on the fire. You shouldn't fan the flames. You wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. And so on and so forth.
How about this? Don't piss on the fire that's cooking your food.
When a member of your family is obviously upset (even lashing out at you) and you have already acknowledged their feelings, apologized for you part in their pain, and reminded them that your position comes from your love for them, the next big step is to carefully consider what they want.
S/he may have a point. You could very well be wrong. (And just because you're wrong, doesn't mean they're right.) As long as you haven't brought down the thunder with ultimatums, decrees, and gavel smacks, you still have a chance at incorporating what your family member wants without looking like a flopping fool.
A few suggestions for finding out their true wishes: Ask them to calmly explain why they feel their position is superior. Ask them if something else had upset them. Ask them for their input to a compromise.
It's important to note that if you are going compromise or even agree that your family member's idea is better, that you only do so after they have calmed down. This minimizes the chance of justifying their angry outbursts.
There is still a good chance that they are way off base and will have to obey your law to the letter. If you checked your anger, allowed them to express themselves, and at least made a demonstration of considering that eating ice cream in bed might be an acceptable alternative to putting away their things, you've at least simmered the confrontation down significantly.
Some confrontations reach an impasse. Can you act angry without being angry, even if you are angry? We'll see next week.
Last week we continued discussing resolving confrontation within the family by underlining the importance of not escalating a bad situation by losing control of your anger.
Let's get the cliches out of the way: You can't fight fire with fire. You don't want to pour gasoline on the fire. You shouldn't fan the flames. You wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. And so on and so forth.
How about this? Don't piss on the fire that's cooking your food.
When a member of your family is obviously upset (even lashing out at you) and you have already acknowledged their feelings, apologized for you part in their pain, and reminded them that your position comes from your love for them, the next big step is to carefully consider what they want.
S/he may have a point. You could very well be wrong. (And just because you're wrong, doesn't mean they're right.) As long as you haven't brought down the thunder with ultimatums, decrees, and gavel smacks, you still have a chance at incorporating what your family member wants without looking like a flopping fool.
A few suggestions for finding out their true wishes: Ask them to calmly explain why they feel their position is superior. Ask them if something else had upset them. Ask them for their input to a compromise.
It's important to note that if you are going compromise or even agree that your family member's idea is better, that you only do so after they have calmed down. This minimizes the chance of justifying their angry outbursts.
There is still a good chance that they are way off base and will have to obey your law to the letter. If you checked your anger, allowed them to express themselves, and at least made a demonstration of considering that eating ice cream in bed might be an acceptable alternative to putting away their things, you've at least simmered the confrontation down significantly.
Some confrontations reach an impasse. Can you act angry without being angry, even if you are angry? We'll see next week.
24 February, 2012
And In This Corner... Part II
Family on Friday!!!
Continuing from last week's edition of Family on Friday, I'm going to explore the concept of feeling anger without being angry. That degree of control comes in handy when you need to be part of the solution to a confrontation.
Let's pretend that this whole country is a family and the President is the parent (Supreme Court is the grandparents, and Congress is like the creeeepy uncle/aunt that no one lets you ride alone with). When was the last time that no one was angry with the position of the President? Like, really, really angry. Spitting mad.
When was the last time you saw any President "go off?" The temptation for them to get all Christian Bale on the media alone must be overwhelming. So why don't they? Training, coaching, and possibly performance enhancing drugs.
Now let's pretend they are angry because they love this country and they're trying to get us to agree with what they think is best for us. We get angry because what they have done/asked/refused goes against what we want and upsets us. Confrontation ensues.
As a (Co-)President of your family, you will meet with dissension, organized protests, and vetoes when you are just trying to keep your family on what you've decided is the right path. Get Presidential. Walk calmly to the disenfranchised, acknowledge their pain, apologize for any part you may have played in it, tell them that your position isn't going to change just because it met with opposition, because it was formed by the love you have for them, and that love isn't going to change.
Obviously, the President isn't always right. Next week, we'll explore how handling confrontation calmly can change policy without waffling, back-peddling, flip-flopping, or calling the Supreme Court.
Continuing from last week's edition of Family on Friday, I'm going to explore the concept of feeling anger without being angry. That degree of control comes in handy when you need to be part of the solution to a confrontation.
Let's pretend that this whole country is a family and the President is the parent (Supreme Court is the grandparents, and Congress is like the creeeepy uncle/aunt that no one lets you ride alone with). When was the last time that no one was angry with the position of the President? Like, really, really angry. Spitting mad.
When was the last time you saw any President "go off?" The temptation for them to get all Christian Bale on the media alone must be overwhelming. So why don't they? Training, coaching, and possibly performance enhancing drugs.
Now let's pretend they are angry because they love this country and they're trying to get us to agree with what they think is best for us. We get angry because what they have done/asked/refused goes against what we want and upsets us. Confrontation ensues.
As a (Co-)President of your family, you will meet with dissension, organized protests, and vetoes when you are just trying to keep your family on what you've decided is the right path. Get Presidential. Walk calmly to the disenfranchised, acknowledge their pain, apologize for any part you may have played in it, tell them that your position isn't going to change just because it met with opposition, because it was formed by the love you have for them, and that love isn't going to change.
Obviously, the President isn't always right. Next week, we'll explore how handling confrontation calmly can change policy without waffling, back-peddling, flip-flopping, or calling the Supreme Court.
17 February, 2012
And In This Corner... Part I
Family on Friday!!!
Back in early December, Brian had made a good comment regarding confrontation within the family unit. To paraphrase for those too lazy or busy to click on the hyperlink, he noticed that confrontations with his son improved when he didn't fan the flames with his own anger.
One blog post would not adequately cover the issue of familial conflicts. So, I will attempt to make a sensible series of the matter starting here. For now, I want to just make it perfectly clear that anger, frustration, and even loss of control come from love (continuing on this whole Valentine week and segueing into Presidents' Day).
Confused by the source of their own emotions and excusably out of practice, kids will yell that they hate their parents when they become angry, frustrated, and lose control. Ya always hurt the ones ya love, right? Our parental brains need to be able to translate this proclamation of hatred as "I love you, but what you have done/asked/refused goes against what I want and upsets me."
Allowing for a few exceptions, if we didn't care deeply for someone, we wouldn't exhibit any strong reactions to them. They would be practically invisible to us. When we become upset with our family we should take at least one breath to recognize that we feel this way because we love them.
Recognizing the love we have should begin to help us with the most important next step that Brian touched upon - being angry and frustrated, but not losing control. However, that will be the topic of next week's President's Day analogy...
Back in early December, Brian had made a good comment regarding confrontation within the family unit. To paraphrase for those too lazy or busy to click on the hyperlink, he noticed that confrontations with his son improved when he didn't fan the flames with his own anger.
One blog post would not adequately cover the issue of familial conflicts. So, I will attempt to make a sensible series of the matter starting here. For now, I want to just make it perfectly clear that anger, frustration, and even loss of control come from love (continuing on this whole Valentine week and segueing into Presidents' Day).
Confused by the source of their own emotions and excusably out of practice, kids will yell that they hate their parents when they become angry, frustrated, and lose control. Ya always hurt the ones ya love, right? Our parental brains need to be able to translate this proclamation of hatred as "I love you, but what you have done/asked/refused goes against what I want and upsets me."
Allowing for a few exceptions, if we didn't care deeply for someone, we wouldn't exhibit any strong reactions to them. They would be practically invisible to us. When we become upset with our family we should take at least one breath to recognize that we feel this way because we love them.
Recognizing the love we have should begin to help us with the most important next step that Brian touched upon - being angry and frustrated, but not losing control. However, that will be the topic of next week's President's Day analogy...
10 February, 2012
Comfy Genes
Family On Friday!!!
Let's face it. 99.99% of us are unhappy with something about our appearance. Even if we thought we could be happy if we just changed one thing, once we got that the way we wanted, we'd find something else to change.
There's something inherently human about dissatisfaction. It drives us to continuously build upon previous experiences and discoveries, reaching for the unimaginable.
Flip the coin over, and the ugly counterpart to that drive rears its head. We risk damage, pain, finances, and even our lives to fight against our genetic makeup. All in the name of some amorphous concept of beauty.
How does a parent tackle his/her own demons and help bolster the confidence of their children? Surely, the line between constructive and destructive runs very fine and delicate.
We have a natural tendency to expect compliments from parents as part of their job, and the effect of such flattery fades quickly. Conversely, because compliments are expected, insults come down harder than an anvil and hurt a little worse. (Gifts of plastic surgery to a body still developing is especially bad.)
Parents also control the variety and quantity of foods available at a young age and can instill a positive lifestyle early that will hopefully carry on as the parental influence wanes. Moreover, children who hear their parents speaking confidently (not vainly or boastfully) about their own appearance are more likely to feel comfortable doing the same.
Let's face it. 99.99% of us are unhappy with something about our appearance. Even if we thought we could be happy if we just changed one thing, once we got that the way we wanted, we'd find something else to change.
There's something inherently human about dissatisfaction. It drives us to continuously build upon previous experiences and discoveries, reaching for the unimaginable.
Flip the coin over, and the ugly counterpart to that drive rears its head. We risk damage, pain, finances, and even our lives to fight against our genetic makeup. All in the name of some amorphous concept of beauty.
How does a parent tackle his/her own demons and help bolster the confidence of their children? Surely, the line between constructive and destructive runs very fine and delicate.
We have a natural tendency to expect compliments from parents as part of their job, and the effect of such flattery fades quickly. Conversely, because compliments are expected, insults come down harder than an anvil and hurt a little worse. (Gifts of plastic surgery to a body still developing is especially bad.)
Parents also control the variety and quantity of foods available at a young age and can instill a positive lifestyle early that will hopefully carry on as the parental influence wanes. Moreover, children who hear their parents speaking confidently (not vainly or boastfully) about their own appearance are more likely to feel comfortable doing the same.
03 February, 2012
Good Habits Die Quickly
Family on Friday!!!
Families (blood related or not) share genuine concern for one another's well being. We can get all Florence Nightingale around a sick member until we're all driving the white porcelain bus. Any of us get injured, we rally.
So. Why is it so difficult for us to take care of ourselves? B'gosh it sure would make the rest of our family worry less, sleep better, and spend more time returning the favor. Then there is that old adage that says you can't take care of anyone until you've taken care of yourself.
I think we think we are fine. (yes, yes... most of us are) We don't feel sick or injured and are perfectly happy to press ourselves until we do.
Moreover, I believe a lot of us have bought into the idea that concerning ourselves with ourselves is narcissistic. It's not about us. It's about them.
We have no control (and shouldn't) over how other people live their lives. Conversely, we are the only ones who can control our own. If we are a cause of worry to those we love, we can't just break a bad habit and develop good ones.
Habits don't work. We need conscious lifestyle changes.
Families (blood related or not) share genuine concern for one another's well being. We can get all Florence Nightingale around a sick member until we're all driving the white porcelain bus. Any of us get injured, we rally.
So. Why is it so difficult for us to take care of ourselves? B'gosh it sure would make the rest of our family worry less, sleep better, and spend more time returning the favor. Then there is that old adage that says you can't take care of anyone until you've taken care of yourself.
I think we think we are fine. (yes, yes... most of us are) We don't feel sick or injured and are perfectly happy to press ourselves until we do.
Moreover, I believe a lot of us have bought into the idea that concerning ourselves with ourselves is narcissistic. It's not about us. It's about them.
We have no control (and shouldn't) over how other people live their lives. Conversely, we are the only ones who can control our own. If we are a cause of worry to those we love, we can't just break a bad habit and develop good ones.
Habits don't work. We need conscious lifestyle changes.
27 January, 2012
Refrigerator Art
Family on Friday!!!
One of my favorite Monty Python sketches involves Eric Idle working in the coal mines and his playwright father, Graham Chapman, blows a gasket. After all, coal miners never get invited to galas or rub elbows with the intellectually elite in orgies of culture.
Before we any of us were old enough to go to school, we likely made such a library of works as to wear out a few magnets, and leave more than a few marks on table tops. However, hardly any of us had the aesthetic edge to warrant display beyond third grade.
That's a good thing, too. If all anyone did was beautify the world and distract with tales of false ones, the people that didn't starve to death would succumb to exposure to the elements.
No matter what it is that a person has a talent for and enjoys doing, the job exists. A child is a boundless avalanche of potential, cascading upon the world with terminal velocity in hopes of finding that perfect niche they can fit into. Still, it seems parents, more often than not, try to direct the avalanche's direction. As you can imagine, steering an avalanche has a narrow margin of success.
We can go on and on about the reasons parents try to tell their kids who to be (legacy, failed dreams, prestige, etc.), but I'd rather keep this post about parents realizing that when it comes to avalanches, get out of the way.
And if the bug decides to go work in the coal mines when she's older, I'll buy her a canary and ask myself if she's happy making a living doing something she loves.
One of my favorite Monty Python sketches involves Eric Idle working in the coal mines and his playwright father, Graham Chapman, blows a gasket. After all, coal miners never get invited to galas or rub elbows with the intellectually elite in orgies of culture.
Before we any of us were old enough to go to school, we likely made such a library of works as to wear out a few magnets, and leave more than a few marks on table tops. However, hardly any of us had the aesthetic edge to warrant display beyond third grade.
That's a good thing, too. If all anyone did was beautify the world and distract with tales of false ones, the people that didn't starve to death would succumb to exposure to the elements.
No matter what it is that a person has a talent for and enjoys doing, the job exists. A child is a boundless avalanche of potential, cascading upon the world with terminal velocity in hopes of finding that perfect niche they can fit into. Still, it seems parents, more often than not, try to direct the avalanche's direction. As you can imagine, steering an avalanche has a narrow margin of success.
We can go on and on about the reasons parents try to tell their kids who to be (legacy, failed dreams, prestige, etc.), but I'd rather keep this post about parents realizing that when it comes to avalanches, get out of the way.
And if the bug decides to go work in the coal mines when she's older, I'll buy her a canary and ask myself if she's happy making a living doing something she loves.
20 January, 2012
One Man's Treasure...
Family on Friday!!!
There are many versions of this week's tip. My favorite goes something like "Never look down on another man's blessing." Another popular way to say it is, "Don't laugh at another person's dreams. It might be all they have."
They have different meanings, but they meet at a common point. We should try not to feel superior when we see someone with clothes, cars, job, home, food, or the like, that we would rush to get rid of if they showed up in our garages. It may be the best thing that ever happened to them.
We especially send a bad message when we do so in front of our families. It validates bullying. It can also create distance and distrust for family members to share their opinions or express their likes.
I know it's hard when you pass a car with more primer than paint, a floppy oversized spoiler, a sad sounding muffler, and twenty-two inch spinners. Those kinds of things catch you off guard and you can't help but laugh.
That's okay. Laugh.
What we don't need to do is follow it up with disparaging remarks or tirades regarding wastes of money. Best thing to say in a situation like that would be along the lines of "I hope they're happy with that when it's finished," or "they really have been working hard on that."
I recently passed a Toyota Prius (Hybrid car, for any of you who just came out of a time capsule. Half-gas, half-electric) with the license plate: GAS HOLE. I laughed. Hard. But, then I became self-conscious about my fuel-efficient-but-not-as-fuel-efficient car.
My fight-back instinct wants to point out that I haven't seen a hybrid vehicle, or fully electric, that wasn't hideous. My logical instinct wants to point out that if there were a desirable model on the market, I'm still a good two years away from having a chance to buy it. My mediating instinct shuts everyone up by saying I have what's right for me now and so do to the Prius owners.
We can never truly know the situations in the lives of other people. If we can remember that, more often than not, and curb our desire to kick someone we see on the ground, then our families can make a crucial step to helping others rather than judging.
There are many versions of this week's tip. My favorite goes something like "Never look down on another man's blessing." Another popular way to say it is, "Don't laugh at another person's dreams. It might be all they have."
They have different meanings, but they meet at a common point. We should try not to feel superior when we see someone with clothes, cars, job, home, food, or the like, that we would rush to get rid of if they showed up in our garages. It may be the best thing that ever happened to them.
We especially send a bad message when we do so in front of our families. It validates bullying. It can also create distance and distrust for family members to share their opinions or express their likes.
I know it's hard when you pass a car with more primer than paint, a floppy oversized spoiler, a sad sounding muffler, and twenty-two inch spinners. Those kinds of things catch you off guard and you can't help but laugh.
That's okay. Laugh.
What we don't need to do is follow it up with disparaging remarks or tirades regarding wastes of money. Best thing to say in a situation like that would be along the lines of "I hope they're happy with that when it's finished," or "they really have been working hard on that."
I recently passed a Toyota Prius (Hybrid car, for any of you who just came out of a time capsule. Half-gas, half-electric) with the license plate: GAS HOLE. I laughed. Hard. But, then I became self-conscious about my fuel-efficient-but-not-as-fuel-efficient car.
My fight-back instinct wants to point out that I haven't seen a hybrid vehicle, or fully electric, that wasn't hideous. My logical instinct wants to point out that if there were a desirable model on the market, I'm still a good two years away from having a chance to buy it. My mediating instinct shuts everyone up by saying I have what's right for me now and so do to the Prius owners.
We can never truly know the situations in the lives of other people. If we can remember that, more often than not, and curb our desire to kick someone we see on the ground, then our families can make a crucial step to helping others rather than judging.
13 January, 2012
Division Of Labor
Family on Friday!!!
We all have things we're good at and things that other people rush to do for us before they have to fix it after us.
You may take your shortcomings as a challenge to get better, or inner demons to conquer. I say let 'em go. (Unless you don't really have anything else to contribute.)
All households/families work best by capitalizing on the strengths of their individual parts. It may be that no one is particularly good at a few chores. Up to your family to decide how to tackle that. May I suggest outside help under some bartering arrangement?
The point is not to get hung up or twisted over someone failing to impress when they should be applauded for what they do do. And if one task has been designated to one person, no fair telling them how to do their job.
Furthermore, don't try to take on everything yourself. Delegating saves time, sanity, energy, and marriages. Martyring yourself in the bathroom is just plain creepy.
Finally, cross-training works best for ensuring duties can be covered by a tolerable back-up. Putting all your eggs in one basket can make an accident that much messier.
06 January, 2012
The Strength Of Your Resolve
Resolutions are a popular thing this time of year. Goal setting and all that.
Do you shoot for the moon and set yourself up for failure? Are you consistently swearing to start your resolution tomorrow? Perhaps you're busy coming up with resolutions for other people. Good luck with that.
As far as your family, especially your children, are concerned, the actions you take toward meeting your ambitions mean the most. Go ahead and resolve to compete in a triathlon this year in spite of the fact that last year walking the dog was too much exercise. You'll at least take a few pounds off of yourself and Lucky by trying.
When people see you lace up, soldier through the shin splints, and stick to a routine, you earn credibility along with respect. That credibility will pre-win a few arguments for you. Can't complain about mowing the lawn to anyone wearing ice packs under their knee braces.
Even if you never cross a starting line this year, you can still inspire those closest to you to take action. Go ahead, let them see you sweat.
23 December, 2011
A Home for the Holidays
Family on Friday!!!
We're waist deep in the Holiday Season now and I would like to send a special season's greetings to everyone celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, Xmas, Kwanzaa, Wholidays, Io Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, and last minute entries for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences film awards. Whatever it is making you happy this time of year, hold on to it and keep the happy going.
I've often heard it said that "Home is where the heart is." I like to think of it more that "Home is where you belong." Those two concepts are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they perfectly interchangeable.
Too many people wind up spending this time of year where they don't belong:
See the difference?
This really should be a time of positive reflection (regardless of your belief system) and you won't get there by taking on other people's pain. Hold on to those people and things that give you a sense of belonging. Let it fill you with guilt-free joy, unabashed appreciation, and childlike wonder.
Then, when you've got that, maybe... just maybe... other people will take on your mirth. You can be one of the bright lights. And when everyone around you feels like they belong, ask them...
"Who's got it better than us?... Nobody!"
We're waist deep in the Holiday Season now and I would like to send a special season's greetings to everyone celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, Xmas, Kwanzaa, Wholidays, Io Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, and last minute entries for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences film awards. Whatever it is making you happy this time of year, hold on to it and keep the happy going.
I've often heard it said that "Home is where the heart is." I like to think of it more that "Home is where you belong." Those two concepts are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they perfectly interchangeable.
Too many people wind up spending this time of year where they don't belong:
- streets
- prisons
- combat zones
- other people's business
- abusive relationships
- playing live music loudly in front of the grocery store entrance, hurting the bug's ears and making her cry. (being carried by daddy got her back to flirting and grabbing attention with babble and smiles)
- Las Vegas
See the difference?
This really should be a time of positive reflection (regardless of your belief system) and you won't get there by taking on other people's pain. Hold on to those people and things that give you a sense of belonging. Let it fill you with guilt-free joy, unabashed appreciation, and childlike wonder.
Then, when you've got that, maybe... just maybe... other people will take on your mirth. You can be one of the bright lights. And when everyone around you feels like they belong, ask them...
"Who's got it better than us?... Nobody!"
16 December, 2011
Discipline Ain't Santa's Job
Family on Friday!!!
When you're in a store witnessing a parent attempt to correct their kids' behavior, you only need to pay attention to one thing to tell if the parent gives idle threats, or disciplines effectively - the kids' reactions. (This time of year brings out the big guns, doesn't it?)
"Stop screaming/running around/getting in people's way/punching/biting/spitting/grabbing/whining/crying... or Santa won't bring you any toys."
How much time does that give? A few reminders per store? Good on you if you can get a weekend out of saying it once.
What about the rest of the year? I've heard threats of grounding, leaving immediately without getting anything, time out, and some degree of bodily harm. It seems like neither the parent nor child even pay attention to these idle threats. Some sick rote they developed out of desperation turned apathy. Every now and again I'll hear a parent speak directly to the child and the child will cast down their pitchfork and shine their halo. I love it when I hear "One... two..." and then nothing.
How is it that a few parents have managed to retain control over their kids? It doesn't have to involve a swing, but it is all about follow through. If you're going to bother making a threat to get your kids to behave, make sure it's something you're not only prepared to do, but can make an instant part of their reality. And follow through.
They may cry, plead, correct their behavior, or do whatever it was that they didn't want to as a too-little-too-late effort to avoid the punishment. No dice. If they learn that they need to behave before the sentencing and gavel smack, they stand a better chance of knowing to straighten up after the warning next time. And clean the slate after the sentence is served. (Parole is for criminals.)
Personally, I advocate rewarding good behavior more often to avoid bad behavior becoming the only way the child can get the parents' attention, but that will be a different post. At least idle threats are a step up from the parents who pretend like they have nothing to do with the kids until it's time to leave the store.
When you're in a store witnessing a parent attempt to correct their kids' behavior, you only need to pay attention to one thing to tell if the parent gives idle threats, or disciplines effectively - the kids' reactions. (This time of year brings out the big guns, doesn't it?)
"Stop screaming/running around/getting in people's way/punching/biting/spitting/grabbing/whining/crying... or Santa won't bring you any toys."
How much time does that give? A few reminders per store? Good on you if you can get a weekend out of saying it once.
What about the rest of the year? I've heard threats of grounding, leaving immediately without getting anything, time out, and some degree of bodily harm. It seems like neither the parent nor child even pay attention to these idle threats. Some sick rote they developed out of desperation turned apathy. Every now and again I'll hear a parent speak directly to the child and the child will cast down their pitchfork and shine their halo. I love it when I hear "One... two..." and then nothing.
How is it that a few parents have managed to retain control over their kids? It doesn't have to involve a swing, but it is all about follow through. If you're going to bother making a threat to get your kids to behave, make sure it's something you're not only prepared to do, but can make an instant part of their reality. And follow through.
They may cry, plead, correct their behavior, or do whatever it was that they didn't want to as a too-little-too-late effort to avoid the punishment. No dice. If they learn that they need to behave before the sentencing and gavel smack, they stand a better chance of knowing to straighten up after the warning next time. And clean the slate after the sentence is served. (Parole is for criminals.)
Personally, I advocate rewarding good behavior more often to avoid bad behavior becoming the only way the child can get the parents' attention, but that will be a different post. At least idle threats are a step up from the parents who pretend like they have nothing to do with the kids until it's time to leave the store.
09 December, 2011
Vegetable Plants, Pizza Plants
Family on Friday!!!
I highly recommend growing something edible as a family project. It can be a full on garden, or a few pots planted with faves, or a small window box with a few herbs.
In a world of instant gratification and being three or four steps removed from the production of food, it's important for young and old to have at least one reminder of where what we eat comes from. The more the whole family gets involved, the better. Assign specific tasks or break out shifts if time is an issue.
Even a single plant can overproduce, allowing for lessons in saving from abundance, sharing with others, trade, or even basic commerce. Replant seeds from the parent plant to witness the full life cycle. See how many different recipes you can make from your harvest before you get tired of it and decide it's time to rotate the crops.
You can grow anywhere from a high-rise apartment to a large ranch. The point is to match the plant to the space you have available. And take be sure the whole family can benefit. (Don't just grow coffee trees.) A quick bit of research and a brief family planning meeting will help you decide what and how much you grow.
Keep in mind that not everyone has a green thumb. If someone endangers the yield and retraining isn't working, "promote" that person to a position that will cause less damage - like management.
I highly recommend growing something edible as a family project. It can be a full on garden, or a few pots planted with faves, or a small window box with a few herbs.
In a world of instant gratification and being three or four steps removed from the production of food, it's important for young and old to have at least one reminder of where what we eat comes from. The more the whole family gets involved, the better. Assign specific tasks or break out shifts if time is an issue.
Even a single plant can overproduce, allowing for lessons in saving from abundance, sharing with others, trade, or even basic commerce. Replant seeds from the parent plant to witness the full life cycle. See how many different recipes you can make from your harvest before you get tired of it and decide it's time to rotate the crops.
You can grow anywhere from a high-rise apartment to a large ranch. The point is to match the plant to the space you have available. And take be sure the whole family can benefit. (Don't just grow coffee trees.) A quick bit of research and a brief family planning meeting will help you decide what and how much you grow.
Keep in mind that not everyone has a green thumb. If someone endangers the yield and retraining isn't working, "promote" that person to a position that will cause less damage - like management.
02 December, 2011
What We Have Here is a Failure...
Family on Friday!!!
As everyone over the age of Sesame Street can tell you, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. This blog has already touched upon communication during the Table Time series, but table time is more than communication and communication goes beyond table time.
Familial relationships can suffer the most during a communication breakdown. Walls are naturally and appropriately built between generations. Spouses fall prey to the fallacy that they already know everything there is to know about one another. Siblings come to a point where they don't want everything to be known about them. Now that's all well and good, but... everything in moderation.
Habitual non-communication can lead to misunderstandings can lead to distrust can lead to injury can lead to a family not being a family. The longer you allow the bad communication to take over, the harder it will be to get back on track. If you're coming up with ideas of what you can do better rather than what other family members need to do, you're off to a good start.
Children that see their parents communicating effectively are more likely to communicate willingly. Would you open up to a boss that has a reputation for getting too upset, responding harshly, or talking when they should be listening? I mean if you didn't have to.
If you'll permit me to generalize on gender types: Women need to stop with the attitude that they shouldn't have to verbalize and that the other person should just know. Men need to stop thinking that asking for help or discussing emotions emasculates them in some way.
The more we can all recognize that other people are separate beings with separate lives, bridged through relationships created by communication, and that we are all people experiencing ninety-five percent (my own completely arbitrary figure pulled out of thin air with no statistical backing) identical circumstances, then the easier it will be to throw gender types out the window and just be ourselves.
Opening up the pathways of communication will rectify a wide range of ills. Try it. All you have to lose are those misconceptions your family may have of you.
As everyone over the age of Sesame Street can tell you, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. This blog has already touched upon communication during the Table Time series, but table time is more than communication and communication goes beyond table time.
Familial relationships can suffer the most during a communication breakdown. Walls are naturally and appropriately built between generations. Spouses fall prey to the fallacy that they already know everything there is to know about one another. Siblings come to a point where they don't want everything to be known about them. Now that's all well and good, but... everything in moderation.
Habitual non-communication can lead to misunderstandings can lead to distrust can lead to injury can lead to a family not being a family. The longer you allow the bad communication to take over, the harder it will be to get back on track. If you're coming up with ideas of what you can do better rather than what other family members need to do, you're off to a good start.
Children that see their parents communicating effectively are more likely to communicate willingly. Would you open up to a boss that has a reputation for getting too upset, responding harshly, or talking when they should be listening? I mean if you didn't have to.
If you'll permit me to generalize on gender types: Women need to stop with the attitude that they shouldn't have to verbalize and that the other person should just know. Men need to stop thinking that asking for help or discussing emotions emasculates them in some way.
The more we can all recognize that other people are separate beings with separate lives, bridged through relationships created by communication, and that we are all people experiencing ninety-five percent (my own completely arbitrary figure pulled out of thin air with no statistical backing) identical circumstances, then the easier it will be to throw gender types out the window and just be ourselves.
Opening up the pathways of communication will rectify a wide range of ills. Try it. All you have to lose are those misconceptions your family may have of you.
25 November, 2011
A Moment of Thanks is a Gift
Family on Friday!!!
Before Halloween, some smatterings of Christmas pop up here and there. Then, as soon as the black and orange move to clearance, red and green take over. Thanksgiving has been officially pushed to the fringe of the holiday schedule. Even the "present buying bargains" have seeped from Black Friday to virtually the whole month of November.
I can appreciate that gift giving is exciting and the anticipation of gift receiving keeps young and old up at night. I can also appreciate that companies who make the things we buy look forward to this last push to turn an investor-alluring profit and would rather have two whole months to make their goals over a few weeks.
But, look at what is happening metaphorically. The giving and receiving of gifts has reached the point of marginalizing being thankful for what we have.
My challenge to American families is to focus on gratitude from Halloween until Thanksgiving. Take inventory of your life. Maybe you'll find some treasures under a bit of dust. And then deck the halls whilst munching turkey (or Tofurkey) sandwiches. Countries that don't even celebrate Thanksgiving often wait until four Sundays before Christmas.
I realize I may be asking a lot when Christmas music is playing everywhere, holiday movies are unavoidable, and all those people out there that want your money are making offers you can't refuse and commercials that make you warm and fuzzy.
However, it shouldn't be too much to ask that we set aside more than a meal to demonstrate our thanks.
Before Halloween, some smatterings of Christmas pop up here and there. Then, as soon as the black and orange move to clearance, red and green take over. Thanksgiving has been officially pushed to the fringe of the holiday schedule. Even the "present buying bargains" have seeped from Black Friday to virtually the whole month of November.
I can appreciate that gift giving is exciting and the anticipation of gift receiving keeps young and old up at night. I can also appreciate that companies who make the things we buy look forward to this last push to turn an investor-alluring profit and would rather have two whole months to make their goals over a few weeks.
But, look at what is happening metaphorically. The giving and receiving of gifts has reached the point of marginalizing being thankful for what we have.
My challenge to American families is to focus on gratitude from Halloween until Thanksgiving. Take inventory of your life. Maybe you'll find some treasures under a bit of dust. And then deck the halls whilst munching turkey (or Tofurkey) sandwiches. Countries that don't even celebrate Thanksgiving often wait until four Sundays before Christmas.
I realize I may be asking a lot when Christmas music is playing everywhere, holiday movies are unavoidable, and all those people out there that want your money are making offers you can't refuse and commercials that make you warm and fuzzy.
However, it shouldn't be too much to ask that we set aside more than a meal to demonstrate our thanks.
18 November, 2011
Ice Cream A La Mode
Family on Friday!!!
Don't underestimate the value of your personal family dictionary. It may even be a good idea to write those words and phrases that separate your family from the rest of the world.
The words often start out as misheard or misused innocently enough, but somehow (within the family unit) they catch on. The more embarrassing or confusing they would be out of the home, the more you know what I'm talking about.
A simple example for us is "frozen goodness." Other people call it "ice cream." Grandma calls it "evening freshness." Our bearded dragon eats a mixture of "cubies, nummies, and green leafies" that sound much cuter than the reality. The word "then" is often used as a form of punctuation. "Motherboard" stands in as an all-purpose perfunctory way of communicating that I've lost my audience and have a choice of switching topics or shutting up completely.
Every family has their own long list of such examples. You know when you're really getting to know someone when you get definitions and explanations of their family dictionary. Even more so when you find yourself using them.
What these words do (other than amuse) is act like a sort of cement in the family identity. When we hear and use them, we are reminded of how close we are and how much time we have spent together.
Being in love means never having to complete a sentence.
Don't underestimate the value of your personal family dictionary. It may even be a good idea to write those words and phrases that separate your family from the rest of the world.
The words often start out as misheard or misused innocently enough, but somehow (within the family unit) they catch on. The more embarrassing or confusing they would be out of the home, the more you know what I'm talking about.
A simple example for us is "frozen goodness." Other people call it "ice cream." Grandma calls it "evening freshness." Our bearded dragon eats a mixture of "cubies, nummies, and green leafies" that sound much cuter than the reality. The word "then" is often used as a form of punctuation. "Motherboard" stands in as an all-purpose perfunctory way of communicating that I've lost my audience and have a choice of switching topics or shutting up completely.
Every family has their own long list of such examples. You know when you're really getting to know someone when you get definitions and explanations of their family dictionary. Even more so when you find yourself using them.
What these words do (other than amuse) is act like a sort of cement in the family identity. When we hear and use them, we are reminded of how close we are and how much time we have spent together.
Being in love means never having to complete a sentence.
11 November, 2011
Veterans and the Families That Love Them
Family on Friday!!!
There are quite a few veterans (and active duty) in my family and friends. Though I don't have first-hand knowledge (I was 4-F'ed), I have seen the strain of service on military families. It's hard. Like. Real hard. The sacrifices and stress during deployment cannot be adequately compensated by simply having the loved one home again.
Family life isn't easy anyway. And no one pays you to be a family. Complicate it by having a integral part of the family out of the country for four months to a year, coming and going at random times, or by moving the whole family to the oversea's base... For how long? Where's home?
It'd be one thing if they were just serving to protect their families. But they do it to protect all our families. Even the ones they disagree with politically, ideologically, or religiously. They serve U.S. to protect that right to disagree. It's called freedom.
Nothing sounds more ignorant than saying they're protecting oil, special interests, or an American economic empire. Even if the politicians that declared the war sent them for such reasons, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone with their boots to the sand saying they went out there to make sure Wall Street had a big day.
They put themselves and their families through hell so that our families can be safer, closer, more comfortable, enjoy one of the highest standards of living in the world, and be free to express ourselves. The least we could do in return is to tie a yellow ribbon and thank them for their service.
I salute all who served and the families that love them.
There are quite a few veterans (and active duty) in my family and friends. Though I don't have first-hand knowledge (I was 4-F'ed), I have seen the strain of service on military families. It's hard. Like. Real hard. The sacrifices and stress during deployment cannot be adequately compensated by simply having the loved one home again.
Family life isn't easy anyway. And no one pays you to be a family. Complicate it by having a integral part of the family out of the country for four months to a year, coming and going at random times, or by moving the whole family to the oversea's base... For how long? Where's home?
It'd be one thing if they were just serving to protect their families. But they do it to protect all our families. Even the ones they disagree with politically, ideologically, or religiously. They serve U.S. to protect that right to disagree. It's called freedom.
Nothing sounds more ignorant than saying they're protecting oil, special interests, or an American economic empire. Even if the politicians that declared the war sent them for such reasons, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone with their boots to the sand saying they went out there to make sure Wall Street had a big day.
They put themselves and their families through hell so that our families can be safer, closer, more comfortable, enjoy one of the highest standards of living in the world, and be free to express ourselves. The least we could do in return is to tie a yellow ribbon and thank them for their service.
I salute all who served and the families that love them.
04 November, 2011
It's Your Fault
Family on Friday!!!
Response ability. If you break it up into the root words, you can see that responsibility has nothing to do with obligation or charges. To have a responsibility is to have an ability to respond to a situation or person.
So, do you? How? Taking ownership of your responsibility means understanding that you and you alone control your actions (or lack thereof). You cannot control other people. Sure, we all want to control someone else at some point in our lives. Because, let's face it, people do things we don't like. Things we would like to have stopped them from doing, or made them do, whatever the case may be.
When it's a member of your family, it can feel like they are an extension of yourself and you may even ordinarily function like a unit. But, sooner or later, even your family will remind you that they are their own individuals and have their own responsibility.
Don't blame them. Yes. You are able to respond that way. But, in any given situation, you are able to choose how you respond. If you don't like the outcome. If you get angry. If you get sad. If you get sick. If you are injured. Blame yourself.
Take ownership of your responsibility. It's up to them if they will do the same. One life is hard enough to live. Living two, three, four, twenty other lives isn't going above and beyond the call of duty - it's impossible.
For some reason, focusing on what other people are or aren't doing has become commonplace. In traffic, in checkout lines, in bathrooms, in other people's houses, or, on a much grander scale, Politics and Economics. The solution to most problems isn't what "they" did or are doing. The solution comes from what did you do? What are you doing?
I could make a list of "problems" and answer them with a list of "solutions." But, that's not how I plan on using my responsibility.
Response ability. If you break it up into the root words, you can see that responsibility has nothing to do with obligation or charges. To have a responsibility is to have an ability to respond to a situation or person.
So, do you? How? Taking ownership of your responsibility means understanding that you and you alone control your actions (or lack thereof). You cannot control other people. Sure, we all want to control someone else at some point in our lives. Because, let's face it, people do things we don't like. Things we would like to have stopped them from doing, or made them do, whatever the case may be.
When it's a member of your family, it can feel like they are an extension of yourself and you may even ordinarily function like a unit. But, sooner or later, even your family will remind you that they are their own individuals and have their own responsibility.
Don't blame them. Yes. You are able to respond that way. But, in any given situation, you are able to choose how you respond. If you don't like the outcome. If you get angry. If you get sad. If you get sick. If you are injured. Blame yourself.
Take ownership of your responsibility. It's up to them if they will do the same. One life is hard enough to live. Living two, three, four, twenty other lives isn't going above and beyond the call of duty - it's impossible.
For some reason, focusing on what other people are or aren't doing has become commonplace. In traffic, in checkout lines, in bathrooms, in other people's houses, or, on a much grander scale, Politics and Economics. The solution to most problems isn't what "they" did or are doing. The solution comes from what did you do? What are you doing?
I could make a list of "problems" and answer them with a list of "solutions." But, that's not how I plan on using my responsibility.
28 October, 2011
Advocacy of Table Time (Part IV)
Family on Friday!!!
I first started the Family on Friday postings with a simple little suggestion about having table time without screens and calls. Gussie responded to said post with a reminder that not all families can find the time to come to the table. I responded with a post explaining the kind of busy life where taking the time to sit is nearly impossible, but consequentially more important. In spite of the very busy life I led, table time remained an integral part of my relationships and I followed with a post in that regard. In fact, I continue to practice table time with wifey, our bug, and often grandma, too. And we just don't really have the same schedule anymore...
So. What is table time? Is it like flight time? Hang time? Well, it sure is worth explaining. Allow me to start by paraphrasing a part of the book "Three Cups of Tea" about Greg Mortenson building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. As you can imagine, there are some challenges for an American to build anything, let alone secular schools in those two countries. During his early efforts, his host explained to him that he must make time for three cups of tea in order make progress. The first time they have tea, they are strangers, the second time, they are honored guests, and the third time they become family.
The more time you can spend sitting at a table with someone and really be there with them, the closer you get to that person. You don't have to drink tea, eat, or play a game. Those things certainly help. But, if you can just pull up a chair and talk for half an hour, more power to you. It should be said that there are good ways to have table time and bad ways.
Good ways (not every good way, but you'll get the idea):
I first started the Family on Friday postings with a simple little suggestion about having table time without screens and calls. Gussie responded to said post with a reminder that not all families can find the time to come to the table. I responded with a post explaining the kind of busy life where taking the time to sit is nearly impossible, but consequentially more important. In spite of the very busy life I led, table time remained an integral part of my relationships and I followed with a post in that regard. In fact, I continue to practice table time with wifey, our bug, and often grandma, too. And we just don't really have the same schedule anymore...
So. What is table time? Is it like flight time? Hang time? Well, it sure is worth explaining. Allow me to start by paraphrasing a part of the book "Three Cups of Tea" about Greg Mortenson building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. As you can imagine, there are some challenges for an American to build anything, let alone secular schools in those two countries. During his early efforts, his host explained to him that he must make time for three cups of tea in order make progress. The first time they have tea, they are strangers, the second time, they are honored guests, and the third time they become family.
The more time you can spend sitting at a table with someone and really be there with them, the closer you get to that person. You don't have to drink tea, eat, or play a game. Those things certainly help. But, if you can just pull up a chair and talk for half an hour, more power to you. It should be said that there are good ways to have table time and bad ways.
Good ways (not every good way, but you'll get the idea):
- Ask specific, open ended questions (not answerable with one syllable) like "What happened with that diorama you've been working on?" or "What would you like to do this weekend?" or even "Why have you been so happy lately?"
- Listen to the whole response. Try for follow up questions before you get going on your diatribe.
- Steer the attitudes toward the positive. Nothing stirs up indigestion or shrinks an appetite better than negativity. If someone just can't seem to break away from the gripe, call them out on it. Then ask if they can hold off their bad mood for another hour.
- Keep the world off the table. Yes, it's bad. Everyone knows. So, chances are you're just preaching to the choir and they're tired of the sermon. See previous tip.
- You're not at work. Don't talk shop or give the office any free time at the table. I'm sure it's interesting, frustrating, and/or amusing that Harvey used two helical couplings on the trans-spherical drop module and really shot the torque on that puppy through the roof, but save it for another time. Really.
- Get all nostalgic on your peeps. Times may not be all that great and talking about the now could be a violation of the rules. Then find a time that can get you laughing. Go back to before the kids were born if you have to.
- If all else fails, talk in movie/Monty Python quotes. See how long you can keep a convo going using only the quotes you know.
- Complaining. About anything. Kids will remember and resent that. If all the parents do is spend the time at the table talking about how bad working is, what kind of attitude will the kids have toward finding work? If you don't like the food, find a constructive way to alter the meal plan. "You know what would go great with this chicken and rice? Lasagna!"
- Gag order. Eating in silence is a gateway torture.
- Eating is something every living organism needs to do on a daily basis to survive. Don't make eating a directive, punishment, contest, bargaining chip, political movement, spectacle, or personality assessment.
- The Table Time Mandate. Sure. Dinner might be at five-thirty every night. But, you have to account for reality. Table time won't be the same every night and trying to make it that way will diminish its appreciation. Take into account that there will be nights (or mornings) when there is something else to do. Allow that and plan as a family for the next meal/game time.
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