Family on Friday!!!
For the last several weeks we've discussed handling confrontations more constructively and generally about setting a good example for expressing anger without losing control. Now let's finish this series with a big why.
Children who learn effective arguing techniques from their parents are less likely to respond to peer pressure.
One of the trickiest of life's lessons (I see many older adults that still haven't learned) is to say no to someone you care about. Forget pushers and bullies. Your child's greatest threat to doing something they don't want to comes from their friends, teachers, and older siblings.
If you only teach unquestioning obedience, you risk them agreeing to bad ideas, even if that means they're disobeying a previous instruction. You're not there at that moment. This robot you've raised is receiving a new set of instructions that will override yours.
Relish in your kids' expressions of their own will. Help them learn that they will be listened to and taken seriously without resorting to violence, insults, screaming, and/or whining. Even more importantly, they need to know that disagreeing with someone they care about will not end a friendship/relationship.
How spectacular would it be if your child's resolve and poise in an argument with their friend steers the friend away from making a potentially fatal decision? I'm sure that friend's parents would appreciate it.
You'll have to pick your battles to lose. If the youngun' asks politely to stay up an hour past his/her bedtime to finish a movie, relent before whining and throwing ensues (and don't negotiate with terrorists). Chances are the kid won't last another hour. Sometimes, edifying strong negotiation skills outweigh a strict adherence to house rules.
Letting your child win an argument/confrontation after both of you have been (mostly) calm and have had a chance to state your cases, boosts their confidence as well as helps them remain calm the next time.
I hope these discussions have helped lessen the anger you feel (and show) during familial bouts, showed you that having them is a functional and natural process, and explained that these times can wind up playing a pivotal role in your child's preparedness for the rest of the world.
Showing posts with label argue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label argue. Show all posts
16 March, 2012
09 March, 2012
And In This Corner... Part IV
Family on Friday!!!
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
01 February, 2012
Cardinal Points Of Argument
Writers' Wednesday!!!
As a helpful writing exercise, pick three main topics of contention. Best way to start would be to write a page on each, detailing your arguments for how you see the issues.
Now flip it.
Write a convincing counterpoint to the three pages you just wrote. If you go back and read them with a clear cut winner, strengthen and edit the weaker argument until it becomes stronger. Then work on the former winner until it makes a definitive comeback.
If you do this properly, you should have two very well thought out positions on issues that may very well be eternally debated and it should get harder to say which one is the stronger. Now write a third position until it practically invalidates the first two and then challenge it with a fourth.
Not an easy exercise, but a helpful one.
You could add a couple more arguments to each issue, but we'll call four good enough. Two is not good enough. You may not be able to adequately write four separate opinions on each issue and some research will be required. That's a good thing.
Until you can see at least four sides to every issue and write each one as if it were your own personal conviction, your characters will suffer. Not drag themselves across lava beds suffer. More like why does everyone else seem to have it all together suffer.
Characters represent cross sections of society. They have to be convinced and convincing of their world view or they will never seem real to the reader/audience. In order for them to be convincing, you have to be convincing as the writer.
Evil for the sake of being evil isn't nearly as interesting as evil that believes wholeheartedly that it's doing the right thing. Of course there are good people that do bad things and vice versa. I assure you that nothing will build up sympathy for your main character like having him/her be called, shown, and/or proven wrong and then have to struggle to make his/her case.
As a helpful writing exercise, pick three main topics of contention. Best way to start would be to write a page on each, detailing your arguments for how you see the issues.
Now flip it.
Write a convincing counterpoint to the three pages you just wrote. If you go back and read them with a clear cut winner, strengthen and edit the weaker argument until it becomes stronger. Then work on the former winner until it makes a definitive comeback.
If you do this properly, you should have two very well thought out positions on issues that may very well be eternally debated and it should get harder to say which one is the stronger. Now write a third position until it practically invalidates the first two and then challenge it with a fourth.
Not an easy exercise, but a helpful one.
You could add a couple more arguments to each issue, but we'll call four good enough. Two is not good enough. You may not be able to adequately write four separate opinions on each issue and some research will be required. That's a good thing.
Until you can see at least four sides to every issue and write each one as if it were your own personal conviction, your characters will suffer. Not drag themselves across lava beds suffer. More like why does everyone else seem to have it all together suffer.
Characters represent cross sections of society. They have to be convinced and convincing of their world view or they will never seem real to the reader/audience. In order for them to be convincing, you have to be convincing as the writer.
Evil for the sake of being evil isn't nearly as interesting as evil that believes wholeheartedly that it's doing the right thing. Of course there are good people that do bad things and vice versa. I assure you that nothing will build up sympathy for your main character like having him/her be called, shown, and/or proven wrong and then have to struggle to make his/her case.
09 November, 2011
Argue With the Voices in Your Head
Writers' Wednesday!!!
Remember all those news stories where people defended their atrocities by claiming the voices in their head compelled them to commit such acts? Kinda doesn't make it better, right?
Ever hear yourself, or another writer you know, say that the characters tell you/them the story? That you/they just go along for the ride and see where they take you? Kinda doesn't make it better, right?
Characters have lives. Like real people. And. Just like real people. Most of their life is not as interesting as they think it is. If you let your character tell you the story, start feeling around for the cool spot under your pillow.
Being a writer is not (or should I say, "shouldn't be") the same as being a cab driver. It's more like being a tour guide. For truly compelling writing, it's like being a tour guide where the characters don't really know what they signed up for and probably wouldn't have signed up had they known. Imagine getting into a cab, telling the driver where you want to go, the driver speeding off, driving like a complete lunatic in the opposite direction, getting into a barely survivable accident, discovering things about yourself you never knew, and giving the driver a good tip for the experience.
Don't let the voices in your head tell their own story. Fight them on it. Challenge them. Make them convince you that doing what they originally wanted is the right way to go. Something like this:
You: Don't go up the stairs. It's overplayed and makes you look ridiculous.
Protagonist: I have to go up the stairs.
You: No you don't. Call the cops. Go to a neighbors for help. Anything that hasn't been done a million times.
Protagonist: But, my kids are up there. No one will believe a mother left her kids upstairs with a monster.
You: Good point. But, we don't know the monster is up there.
Protagonist: I heard him. Even if it wasn't him, I just want to see my babies and make sure they're all right.
You: Fine. Go upstairs. But you're turning on a light. None of this fumbling around in the dark crap.
Protagonist: If I turn on a light where I am, I won't be able to see into the dark areas of the house and I'll give up my position. I have a better chance of seeing my kids or the monster first if I keep it dark.
You: That's why they always turn off the lights? Well, fine. But you're going to have to explain that to the readers because it sounds cliche and psychotic. Especially because we don't even know the monster is up there. You're probably going to just scare your kids.
Protagonist: I can feel him up there. I'm going.
You: Hey, monster! Are you up there?
Monster: We don't know yet.
You: Ha! You answered. You are up there.
Monster: Well played. lol. (someday I'm going to dedicate a whole blog post to the misuse of 'lol' and other acronyms.)
Okay. So. Arguing with your characters can help you solidify your story and make it more interesting than just "channeling" their spirits. It can also help you skip over the boring non-essential details and focus on the good stuff. Don't let them coast through their life on easy street. Check out my blog post on conflict for more on that.
Now... how to get psychos to stop going along with the voices in their head...
Remember all those news stories where people defended their atrocities by claiming the voices in their head compelled them to commit such acts? Kinda doesn't make it better, right?
Ever hear yourself, or another writer you know, say that the characters tell you/them the story? That you/they just go along for the ride and see where they take you? Kinda doesn't make it better, right?
Characters have lives. Like real people. And. Just like real people. Most of their life is not as interesting as they think it is. If you let your character tell you the story, start feeling around for the cool spot under your pillow.
Being a writer is not (or should I say, "shouldn't be") the same as being a cab driver. It's more like being a tour guide. For truly compelling writing, it's like being a tour guide where the characters don't really know what they signed up for and probably wouldn't have signed up had they known. Imagine getting into a cab, telling the driver where you want to go, the driver speeding off, driving like a complete lunatic in the opposite direction, getting into a barely survivable accident, discovering things about yourself you never knew, and giving the driver a good tip for the experience.
Don't let the voices in your head tell their own story. Fight them on it. Challenge them. Make them convince you that doing what they originally wanted is the right way to go. Something like this:
You: Don't go up the stairs. It's overplayed and makes you look ridiculous.
Protagonist: I have to go up the stairs.
You: No you don't. Call the cops. Go to a neighbors for help. Anything that hasn't been done a million times.
Protagonist: But, my kids are up there. No one will believe a mother left her kids upstairs with a monster.
You: Good point. But, we don't know the monster is up there.
Protagonist: I heard him. Even if it wasn't him, I just want to see my babies and make sure they're all right.
You: Fine. Go upstairs. But you're turning on a light. None of this fumbling around in the dark crap.
Protagonist: If I turn on a light where I am, I won't be able to see into the dark areas of the house and I'll give up my position. I have a better chance of seeing my kids or the monster first if I keep it dark.
You: That's why they always turn off the lights? Well, fine. But you're going to have to explain that to the readers because it sounds cliche and psychotic. Especially because we don't even know the monster is up there. You're probably going to just scare your kids.
Protagonist: I can feel him up there. I'm going.
You: Hey, monster! Are you up there?
Monster: We don't know yet.
You: Ha! You answered. You are up there.
Monster: Well played. lol. (someday I'm going to dedicate a whole blog post to the misuse of 'lol' and other acronyms.)
Okay. So. Arguing with your characters can help you solidify your story and make it more interesting than just "channeling" their spirits. It can also help you skip over the boring non-essential details and focus on the good stuff. Don't let them coast through their life on easy street. Check out my blog post on conflict for more on that.
Now... how to get psychos to stop going along with the voices in their head...
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