And In This Corner... Part V

Family on Friday!!!

For the last several weeks we've discussed handling confrontations more constructively and generally about setting a good example for expressing anger without losing control.  Now let's finish this series with a big why.

Children who learn effective arguing techniques from their parents are less likely to respond to peer pressure.

One of the trickiest of life's lessons (I see many older adults that still haven't learned) is to say no to someone you care about.  Forget pushers and bullies.  Your child's greatest threat to doing something they don't want to comes from their friends, teachers, and older siblings.

If you only teach unquestioning obedience, you risk them agreeing to bad ideas, even if that means they're disobeying a previous instruction.  You're not there at that moment.  This robot you've raised is receiving a new set of instructions that will override yours.

Relish in your kids' expressions of their own will.  Help them learn that they will be listened to and taken seriously without resorting to violence, insults, screaming, and/or whining.  Even more importantly, they need to know that disagreeing with someone they care about will not end a friendship/relationship.

How spectacular would it be if your child's resolve and poise in an argument with their friend steers the friend away from making a potentially fatal decision?  I'm sure that friend's parents would appreciate it.

You'll have to pick your battles to lose.  If the youngun' asks politely to stay up an hour past his/her bedtime to finish a movie, relent before whining and throwing ensues (and don't negotiate with terrorists).  Chances are the kid won't last another hour.  Sometimes, edifying strong negotiation skills outweigh a strict adherence to house rules.

Letting your child win an argument/confrontation after both of you have been (mostly) calm and have had a chance to state your cases, boosts their confidence as well as helps them remain calm the next time.

I hope these discussions have helped lessen the anger you feel (and show) during familial bouts, showed you that having them is a functional and natural process, and explained that these times can wind up playing a pivotal role in your child's preparedness for the rest of the world.

And In This Corner... Part I

Family on Friday!!!

Back in early December, Brian had made a good comment regarding confrontation within the family unit.  To paraphrase for those too lazy or busy to click on the hyperlink, he noticed that confrontations with his son improved when he didn't fan the flames with his own anger.

One blog post would not adequately cover the issue of familial conflicts.  So, I will attempt to make a sensible series of the matter starting here.  For now, I want to just make it perfectly clear that anger, frustration, and even loss of control come from love (continuing on this whole Valentine week and segueing into Presidents' Day).

Confused by the source of their own emotions and excusably out of practice, kids will yell that they hate their parents when they become angry, frustrated, and lose control.  Ya always hurt the ones ya love, right?  Our parental brains need to be able to translate this proclamation of hatred as "I love you, but what you have done/asked/refused goes against what I want and upsets me."

Allowing for a few exceptions, if we didn't care deeply for someone, we wouldn't exhibit any strong reactions to them.  They would be practically invisible to us.  When we become upset with our family we should take at least one breath to recognize that we feel this way because we love them.

Recognizing the love we have should begin to help us with the most important next step that Brian touched upon - being angry and frustrated, but not losing control.  However, that will be the topic of next week's President's Day analogy...

Comfy Genes

Family On Friday!!!

Let's face it.  99.99% of us are unhappy with something about our appearance.  Even if we thought we could be happy if we just changed one thing, once we got that the way we wanted, we'd find something else to change.

There's something inherently human about dissatisfaction.  It drives us to continuously build upon previous experiences and discoveries, reaching for the unimaginable.

Flip the coin over, and the ugly counterpart to that drive rears its head.  We risk damage, pain, finances, and even our lives to fight against our genetic makeup.  All in the name of some amorphous concept of beauty.

How does a parent tackle his/her own demons and help bolster the confidence of their children?  Surely, the line between constructive and destructive runs very fine and delicate.

We have a natural tendency to expect compliments from parents as part of their job, and the effect of such flattery fades quickly.  Conversely, because compliments are expected, insults come down harder than an anvil and hurt a little worse.  (Gifts of plastic surgery to a body still developing is especially bad.)

Parents also control the variety and quantity of foods available at a young age and can instill a positive lifestyle early that will hopefully carry on as the parental influence wanes.  Moreover, children who hear their parents speaking confidently (not vainly or boastfully) about their own appearance are more likely to feel comfortable doing the same.

Good Habits Die Quickly

Family on Friday!!!

Families (blood related or not) share genuine concern for one another's well being.  We can get all Florence Nightingale around a sick member until we're all driving the white porcelain bus.  Any of us get injured, we rally.

So.  Why is it so difficult for us to take care of ourselves?  B'gosh it sure would make the rest of our family worry less, sleep better, and spend more time returning the favor.  Then there is that old adage that says you can't take care of anyone until you've taken care of yourself.

I think we think we are fine.  (yes, yes...  most of us are)  We don't feel sick or injured and are perfectly happy to press ourselves until we do.

Moreover, I believe a lot of us have bought into the idea that concerning ourselves with ourselves is narcissistic.  It's not about us.  It's about them.

We have no control (and shouldn't) over how other people live their lives.  Conversely, we are the only ones who can control our own.  If we are a cause of worry to those we love, we can't just break a bad habit and develop good ones.

Habits don't work.  We need conscious lifestyle changes.

Refrigerator Art

Family on Friday!!!

One of my favorite Monty Python sketches involves Eric Idle working in the coal mines and his playwright father, Graham Chapman, blows a gasket.  After all, coal miners never get invited to galas or rub elbows with the intellectually elite in orgies of culture.

Before we any of us were old enough to go to school, we likely made such a library of works as to wear out a few magnets, and leave more than a few marks on table tops.  However, hardly any of us had the aesthetic edge to warrant display beyond third grade.

That's a good thing, too.  If all anyone did was beautify the world and distract with tales of false ones, the people that didn't starve to death would succumb to exposure to the elements.

No matter what it is that a person has a talent for and enjoys doing, the job exists.  A child is a boundless avalanche of potential, cascading upon the world with terminal velocity in hopes of finding that perfect niche they can fit into.  Still, it seems parents, more often than not, try to direct the avalanche's direction.  As you can imagine, steering an avalanche has a narrow margin of success.

We can go on and on about the reasons parents try to tell their kids who to be (legacy, failed dreams, prestige, etc.), but I'd rather keep this post about parents realizing that when it comes to avalanches, get out of the way.

And if the bug decides to go work in the coal mines when she's older, I'll buy her a canary and ask myself if she's happy making a living doing something she loves.

The Christmas Bug

Christmas has been unwrapped, folded neatly, and stored away for next year.  I hope everyone's season was bright and a positive way to change over to the New Year!

The bug dazzled in her new special first Christmas dress (that I got for her, thank you very much) and did very well on her first long car ride/extended stay from home.  We're visiting with wifey's family and my parents got to spend a couple days with us and, most importantly, the bug.

Some special recent progress of note:

• "solid" food with flavor (whoa!!!)
• making toys dance
• more syllables and clear consonants being used in the babble
• fun with the baby crane

For those of you who don't know how the baby crane works, allow me to explain.  Let's say a desired object has fallen to the floor.  The WubbaNub perhaps.  Well stooping down (for the fortieth time) and just picking it up isn't nearly as much fun as watching a securely held baby reach for it, pluck it up with delight, and hold on to it as s/he is hoisted back up.

Yes, stooping is still involved.  And yes, that stooping includes extending weight from the center of gravity.  But, I said it was more fun, not easier.

Oh. And the bug is officially six-months old now.  My my.

A Home for the Holidays

Family on Friday!!!

We're waist deep in the Holiday Season now and I would like to send a special season's greetings to everyone celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, Xmas, Kwanzaa, Wholidays, Io Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, and last minute entries for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences film awards.  Whatever it is making you happy this time of year, hold on to it and keep the happy going.

I've often heard it said that "Home is where the heart is."  I like to think of it more that "Home is where you belong."  Those two concepts are not mutually exclusive, but neither are they perfectly interchangeable.

Too many people wind up spending this time of year where they don't belong:

• streets
• prisons
• combat zones
• other people's business
• abusive relationships
• playing live music loudly in front of the grocery store entrance, hurting the bug's ears and making her cry.  (being carried by daddy got her back to flirting and grabbing attention with babble and smiles)
• Las Vegas

Please believe me when I tell you it's okay for people to be where they don't belong.  Perhaps you feel compelled to help and intervene.  That could be where you belong.  But, my point is for you to focus on where you belong rather than where other people don't.

See the difference?

This really should be a time of positive reflection (regardless of your belief system) and you won't get there by taking on other people's pain.  Hold on to those people and things that give you a sense of belonging.  Let it fill you with guilt-free joy, unabashed appreciation, and childlike wonder.

Then, when you've got that, maybe... just maybe... other people will take on your mirth.  You can be one of the bright lights.  And when everyone around you feels like they belong, ask them...

"Who's got it better than us?...  Nobody!"

Discipline Ain't Santa's Job

Family on Friday!!!

When you're in a store witnessing a parent attempt to correct their kids' behavior, you only need to pay attention to one thing to tell if the parent gives idle threats, or disciplines effectively - the kids' reactions.  (This time of year brings out the big guns, doesn't it?)

"Stop screaming/running around/getting in people's way/punching/biting/spitting/grabbing/whining/crying...  or Santa won't bring you any toys."

How much time does that give?  A few reminders per store?  Good on you if you can get a weekend out of saying it once.

What about the rest of the year?  I've heard threats of grounding, leaving immediately without getting anything, time out, and some degree of bodily harm.  It seems like neither the parent nor child even pay attention to these idle threats.  Some sick rote they developed out of desperation turned apathy.  Every now and again I'll hear a parent speak directly to the child and the child will cast down their pitchfork and shine their halo.  I love it when I hear "One... two..." and then nothing.

How is it that a few parents have managed to retain control over their kids?  It doesn't have to involve a swing, but it is all about follow through.  If you're going to bother making a threat to get your kids to behave, make sure it's something you're not only prepared to do, but can make an instant part of their reality.  And follow through.

They may cry, plead, correct their behavior, or do whatever it was that they didn't want to as a too-little-too-late effort to avoid the punishment.  No dice.  If they learn that they need to behave before the sentencing and gavel smack, they stand a better chance of knowing to straighten up after the warning next time.  And clean the slate after the sentence is served.  (Parole is for criminals.)

Personally, I advocate rewarding good behavior more often to avoid bad behavior becoming the only way the child can get the parents' attention, but that will be a different post.  At least idle threats are a step up from the parents who pretend like they have nothing to do with the kids until it's time to leave the store.

Vegetable Plants, Pizza Plants

Family on Friday!!!

I highly recommend growing something edible as a family project.  It can be a full on garden, or a few pots planted with faves, or a small window box with a few herbs.

In a world of instant gratification and being three or four steps removed from the production of food, it's important for young and old to have at least one reminder of where what we eat comes from.  The more the whole family gets involved, the better.  Assign specific tasks or break out shifts if time is an issue.

Even a single plant can overproduce, allowing for lessons in saving from abundance, sharing with others, trade, or even basic commerce.  Replant seeds from the parent plant to witness the full life cycle.  See how many different recipes you can make from your harvest before you get tired of it and decide it's time to rotate the crops.

You can grow anywhere from a high-rise apartment to a large ranch.  The point is to match the plant to the space you have available.  And take be sure the whole family can benefit.  (Don't just grow coffee trees.)  A quick bit of research and a brief family planning meeting will help you decide what and how much you grow.

Keep in mind that not everyone has a green thumb.  If someone endangers the yield and retraining isn't working, "promote" that person to a position that will cause less damage - like management.

Feeding the Bib

Turns out the bug was more than ready for her first bites of rice cereal.  She acted like we had been holding out on her.  I guess, in a way, we were.

I imagine a lot of parents stare unblinkingly at their baby's first bites of "solid food" (what's so solid about some rice flour dissolved in breast milk?) wanting to see some expression of delight, wonderment, confusion, or even disgust.  It's a big first step.  Our camera was rolling.  We planned the event at grandma's.  Typical.

This is what we got:

• The bug watched the spoon come closer and casually took it in her mouth.
• She smacked her tongue a little bit (probably searching desperately for flavor).
• She immediately grabbed at the bowl with a look like "what's in this stuff?" and tipped the whole thing over, including the brand new, no-flip suction cup that, as promised, remained attached to the bowl.
• She took a couple more oh-hum spoonfuls from what was left in the bowl and humored us with chewing motions (a mere formality at this stage).
• Granted, those of us over the age of five months were preoccupied with taking care of the spill.  Still, we weren't feeding her that slowly.  Regardless, after only a few bites of her gruel, the bug found it necessary to take matters into her own hands.  By "matters" I mean spoon.  And by "hands" I mean a two-fisted death grip from which not even photons could escape.

In time, we got the spoon back.  After having had a total of three such feedings thus far, she still isn't feeding herself in spite of her prowess with infant cutlery.

She accepts that she needs to wait on our ability to extract an empty spoon from her mouth, refill it at the proper receptacle, and competently transfer the spoon level, so as not to spill its contents, to her waiting mouth where spilling the contents is an unavoidable (and, as it were, necessary) eventuality.  She accepts this so totally in fact that her latest feeding pose involves leaning with arms extended to the sides, as much as the nylon straps will allow, toward the person holding the spoon and having eyes and mouth held as wide as manageable.

I'd say we're having a first feeding win.

In a related side-note, teething has begun in earnest.  No white tips poking through yet, but they can't be far away.  Stay tuned...

What We Have Here is a Failure...

Family on Friday!!!

As everyone over the age of Sesame Street can tell you, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship.  This blog has already touched upon communication during the Table Time series, but table time is more than communication and communication goes beyond table time.

Familial relationships can suffer the most during a communication breakdown.  Walls are naturally and appropriately built between generations.  Spouses fall prey to the fallacy that they already know everything there is to know about one another.  Siblings come to a point where they don't want everything to be known about them.  Now that's all well and good, but... everything in moderation.

Habitual non-communication can lead to misunderstandings can lead to distrust can lead to injury can lead to a family not being a family.  The longer you allow the bad communication to take over, the harder it will be to get back on track.  If you're coming up with ideas of what you can do better rather than what other family members need to do, you're off to a good start.

Children that see their parents communicating effectively are more likely to communicate willingly.  Would you open up to a boss that has a reputation for getting too upset, responding harshly, or talking when they should be listening?  I mean if you didn't have to.

If you'll permit me to generalize on gender types:  Women need to stop with the attitude that they shouldn't have to verbalize and that the other person should just know.  Men need to stop thinking that asking for help or discussing emotions emasculates them in some way.

The more we can all recognize that other people are separate beings with separate lives, bridged through relationships created by communication, and that we are all people experiencing ninety-five percent (my own completely arbitrary figure pulled out of thin air with no statistical backing) identical circumstances, then the easier it will be to throw gender types out the window and just be ourselves.

Opening up the pathways of communication will rectify a wide range of ills.  Try it.  All you have to lose are those misconceptions your family may have of you.