Family on Friday!!!
For the last several weeks we've discussed handling confrontations more constructively and generally about setting a good example for expressing anger without losing control. Now let's finish this series with a big why.
Children who learn effective arguing techniques from their parents are less likely to respond to peer pressure.
One of the trickiest of life's lessons (I see many older adults that still haven't learned) is to say no to someone you care about. Forget pushers and bullies. Your child's greatest threat to doing something they don't want to comes from their friends, teachers, and older siblings.
If you only teach unquestioning obedience, you risk them agreeing to bad ideas, even if that means they're disobeying a previous instruction. You're not there at that moment. This robot you've raised is receiving a new set of instructions that will override yours.
Relish in your kids' expressions of their own will. Help them learn that they will be listened to and taken seriously without resorting to violence, insults, screaming, and/or whining. Even more importantly, they need to know that disagreeing with someone they care about will not end a friendship/relationship.
How spectacular would it be if your child's resolve and poise in an argument with their friend steers the friend away from making a potentially fatal decision? I'm sure that friend's parents would appreciate it.
You'll have to pick your battles to lose. If the youngun' asks politely to stay up an hour past his/her bedtime to finish a movie, relent before whining and throwing ensues (and don't negotiate with terrorists). Chances are the kid won't last another hour. Sometimes, edifying strong negotiation skills outweigh a strict adherence to house rules.
Letting your child win an argument/confrontation after both of you have been (mostly) calm and have had a chance to state your cases, boosts their confidence as well as helps them remain calm the next time.
I hope these discussions have helped lessen the anger you feel (and show) during familial bouts, showed you that having them is a functional and natural process, and explained that these times can wind up playing a pivotal role in your child's preparedness for the rest of the world.
Showing posts with label confrontation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confrontation. Show all posts
16 March, 2012
09 March, 2012
And In This Corner... Part IV
Family on Friday!!!
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
Sometimes being a parent means being a good actor(ess). Not breaking character by falling over laughing when the little one trips and face plants into the dozen eggs they were carrying (unless you're making a video for a nationally broadcast television show, which, for some bizarre reason, makes it socially acceptable). Not dancing around like a maniac in front of their friends when you learn they have been excelling in high school (betraying their apathetic domestic zombification).
And not raging in their face like carnage incarnate because you just can't sit through one more presentation of why a bunny, kitty, puppy, piggy, pony, piercing, tattoo, and/or motorcycle would be an essential part of their optimal development.
The litmus test of whether you are being angry or acting angry is your level of control. For the record, hitting, throwing, screaming, slamming, and/or squeezing would count as being angry - loss of control. The best actors(esses) out there can use subtle facial expressions, a stern tone of voice, deliberate wording, and fierce eye contact to let everyone know that the tiger is gnawing at the lock - but is controlled.
You may want to go berserk. And very likely on someone else's kid. Or some kid's parent. Don't. When you lose control of your anger, you lose control of the whole situation. Remember, the anger you're feeling and the decisions you have made (even if they're wrong) all come from love.
Perhaps that old china cabinet was sitting around, waiting for an excuse to be thrown out. That doesn't mean you should shrug it off when it breaks. No hockey in the house means no hockey in the house. Act angry. Next time, it might be that custom-made hutch you haven't even half-paid for.
Hold back your real anger and just act out enough anger to get the message across. Your kids learn by valuable example of how you conduct yourself with your extreme emotions. Speaking of learning, next week I'll try to wrap the series up with why it's important to have arguments and confrontations with your kids.
02 March, 2012
And In This Corner... Part III
Family on Friday!!!
Last week we continued discussing resolving confrontation within the family by underlining the importance of not escalating a bad situation by losing control of your anger.
Let's get the cliches out of the way: You can't fight fire with fire. You don't want to pour gasoline on the fire. You shouldn't fan the flames. You wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. And so on and so forth.
How about this? Don't piss on the fire that's cooking your food.
When a member of your family is obviously upset (even lashing out at you) and you have already acknowledged their feelings, apologized for you part in their pain, and reminded them that your position comes from your love for them, the next big step is to carefully consider what they want.
S/he may have a point. You could very well be wrong. (And just because you're wrong, doesn't mean they're right.) As long as you haven't brought down the thunder with ultimatums, decrees, and gavel smacks, you still have a chance at incorporating what your family member wants without looking like a flopping fool.
A few suggestions for finding out their true wishes: Ask them to calmly explain why they feel their position is superior. Ask them if something else had upset them. Ask them for their input to a compromise.
It's important to note that if you are going compromise or even agree that your family member's idea is better, that you only do so after they have calmed down. This minimizes the chance of justifying their angry outbursts.
There is still a good chance that they are way off base and will have to obey your law to the letter. If you checked your anger, allowed them to express themselves, and at least made a demonstration of considering that eating ice cream in bed might be an acceptable alternative to putting away their things, you've at least simmered the confrontation down significantly.
Some confrontations reach an impasse. Can you act angry without being angry, even if you are angry? We'll see next week.
Last week we continued discussing resolving confrontation within the family by underlining the importance of not escalating a bad situation by losing control of your anger.
Let's get the cliches out of the way: You can't fight fire with fire. You don't want to pour gasoline on the fire. You shouldn't fan the flames. You wouldn't want to jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. And so on and so forth.
How about this? Don't piss on the fire that's cooking your food.
When a member of your family is obviously upset (even lashing out at you) and you have already acknowledged their feelings, apologized for you part in their pain, and reminded them that your position comes from your love for them, the next big step is to carefully consider what they want.
S/he may have a point. You could very well be wrong. (And just because you're wrong, doesn't mean they're right.) As long as you haven't brought down the thunder with ultimatums, decrees, and gavel smacks, you still have a chance at incorporating what your family member wants without looking like a flopping fool.
A few suggestions for finding out their true wishes: Ask them to calmly explain why they feel their position is superior. Ask them if something else had upset them. Ask them for their input to a compromise.
It's important to note that if you are going compromise or even agree that your family member's idea is better, that you only do so after they have calmed down. This minimizes the chance of justifying their angry outbursts.
There is still a good chance that they are way off base and will have to obey your law to the letter. If you checked your anger, allowed them to express themselves, and at least made a demonstration of considering that eating ice cream in bed might be an acceptable alternative to putting away their things, you've at least simmered the confrontation down significantly.
Some confrontations reach an impasse. Can you act angry without being angry, even if you are angry? We'll see next week.
24 February, 2012
And In This Corner... Part II
Family on Friday!!!
Continuing from last week's edition of Family on Friday, I'm going to explore the concept of feeling anger without being angry. That degree of control comes in handy when you need to be part of the solution to a confrontation.
Let's pretend that this whole country is a family and the President is the parent (Supreme Court is the grandparents, and Congress is like the creeeepy uncle/aunt that no one lets you ride alone with). When was the last time that no one was angry with the position of the President? Like, really, really angry. Spitting mad.
When was the last time you saw any President "go off?" The temptation for them to get all Christian Bale on the media alone must be overwhelming. So why don't they? Training, coaching, and possibly performance enhancing drugs.
Now let's pretend they are angry because they love this country and they're trying to get us to agree with what they think is best for us. We get angry because what they have done/asked/refused goes against what we want and upsets us. Confrontation ensues.
As a (Co-)President of your family, you will meet with dissension, organized protests, and vetoes when you are just trying to keep your family on what you've decided is the right path. Get Presidential. Walk calmly to the disenfranchised, acknowledge their pain, apologize for any part you may have played in it, tell them that your position isn't going to change just because it met with opposition, because it was formed by the love you have for them, and that love isn't going to change.
Obviously, the President isn't always right. Next week, we'll explore how handling confrontation calmly can change policy without waffling, back-peddling, flip-flopping, or calling the Supreme Court.
Continuing from last week's edition of Family on Friday, I'm going to explore the concept of feeling anger without being angry. That degree of control comes in handy when you need to be part of the solution to a confrontation.
Let's pretend that this whole country is a family and the President is the parent (Supreme Court is the grandparents, and Congress is like the creeeepy uncle/aunt that no one lets you ride alone with). When was the last time that no one was angry with the position of the President? Like, really, really angry. Spitting mad.
When was the last time you saw any President "go off?" The temptation for them to get all Christian Bale on the media alone must be overwhelming. So why don't they? Training, coaching, and possibly performance enhancing drugs.
Now let's pretend they are angry because they love this country and they're trying to get us to agree with what they think is best for us. We get angry because what they have done/asked/refused goes against what we want and upsets us. Confrontation ensues.
As a (Co-)President of your family, you will meet with dissension, organized protests, and vetoes when you are just trying to keep your family on what you've decided is the right path. Get Presidential. Walk calmly to the disenfranchised, acknowledge their pain, apologize for any part you may have played in it, tell them that your position isn't going to change just because it met with opposition, because it was formed by the love you have for them, and that love isn't going to change.
Obviously, the President isn't always right. Next week, we'll explore how handling confrontation calmly can change policy without waffling, back-peddling, flip-flopping, or calling the Supreme Court.
17 February, 2012
And In This Corner... Part I
Family on Friday!!!
Back in early December, Brian had made a good comment regarding confrontation within the family unit. To paraphrase for those too lazy or busy to click on the hyperlink, he noticed that confrontations with his son improved when he didn't fan the flames with his own anger.
One blog post would not adequately cover the issue of familial conflicts. So, I will attempt to make a sensible series of the matter starting here. For now, I want to just make it perfectly clear that anger, frustration, and even loss of control come from love (continuing on this whole Valentine week and segueing into Presidents' Day).
Confused by the source of their own emotions and excusably out of practice, kids will yell that they hate their parents when they become angry, frustrated, and lose control. Ya always hurt the ones ya love, right? Our parental brains need to be able to translate this proclamation of hatred as "I love you, but what you have done/asked/refused goes against what I want and upsets me."
Allowing for a few exceptions, if we didn't care deeply for someone, we wouldn't exhibit any strong reactions to them. They would be practically invisible to us. When we become upset with our family we should take at least one breath to recognize that we feel this way because we love them.
Recognizing the love we have should begin to help us with the most important next step that Brian touched upon - being angry and frustrated, but not losing control. However, that will be the topic of next week's President's Day analogy...
Back in early December, Brian had made a good comment regarding confrontation within the family unit. To paraphrase for those too lazy or busy to click on the hyperlink, he noticed that confrontations with his son improved when he didn't fan the flames with his own anger.
One blog post would not adequately cover the issue of familial conflicts. So, I will attempt to make a sensible series of the matter starting here. For now, I want to just make it perfectly clear that anger, frustration, and even loss of control come from love (continuing on this whole Valentine week and segueing into Presidents' Day).
Confused by the source of their own emotions and excusably out of practice, kids will yell that they hate their parents when they become angry, frustrated, and lose control. Ya always hurt the ones ya love, right? Our parental brains need to be able to translate this proclamation of hatred as "I love you, but what you have done/asked/refused goes against what I want and upsets me."
Allowing for a few exceptions, if we didn't care deeply for someone, we wouldn't exhibit any strong reactions to them. They would be practically invisible to us. When we become upset with our family we should take at least one breath to recognize that we feel this way because we love them.
Recognizing the love we have should begin to help us with the most important next step that Brian touched upon - being angry and frustrated, but not losing control. However, that will be the topic of next week's President's Day analogy...
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