Family on Friday!!!
As everyone over the age of Sesame Street can tell you, communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. This blog has already touched upon communication during the Table Time series, but table time is more than communication and communication goes beyond table time.
Familial relationships can suffer the most during a communication breakdown. Walls are naturally and appropriately built between generations. Spouses fall prey to the fallacy that they already know everything there is to know about one another. Siblings come to a point where they don't want everything to be known about them. Now that's all well and good, but... everything in moderation.
Habitual non-communication can lead to misunderstandings can lead to distrust can lead to injury can lead to a family not being a family. The longer you allow the bad communication to take over, the harder it will be to get back on track. If you're coming up with ideas of what you can do better rather than what other family members need to do, you're off to a good start.
Children that see their parents communicating effectively are more likely to communicate willingly. Would you open up to a boss that has a reputation for getting too upset, responding harshly, or talking when they should be listening? I mean if you didn't have to.
If you'll permit me to generalize on gender types: Women need to stop with the attitude that they shouldn't have to verbalize and that the other person should just know. Men need to stop thinking that asking for help or discussing emotions emasculates them in some way.
The more we can all recognize that other people are separate beings with separate lives, bridged through relationships created by communication, and that we are all people experiencing ninety-five percent (my own completely arbitrary figure pulled out of thin air with no statistical backing) identical circumstances, then the easier it will be to throw gender types out the window and just be ourselves.
Opening up the pathways of communication will rectify a wide range of ills. Try it. All you have to lose are those misconceptions your family may have of you.
Showing posts with label table time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label table time. Show all posts
02 December, 2011
28 October, 2011
Advocacy of Table Time (Part IV)
Family on Friday!!!
I first started the Family on Friday postings with a simple little suggestion about having table time without screens and calls. Gussie responded to said post with a reminder that not all families can find the time to come to the table. I responded with a post explaining the kind of busy life where taking the time to sit is nearly impossible, but consequentially more important. In spite of the very busy life I led, table time remained an integral part of my relationships and I followed with a post in that regard. In fact, I continue to practice table time with wifey, our bug, and often grandma, too. And we just don't really have the same schedule anymore...
So. What is table time? Is it like flight time? Hang time? Well, it sure is worth explaining. Allow me to start by paraphrasing a part of the book "Three Cups of Tea" about Greg Mortenson building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. As you can imagine, there are some challenges for an American to build anything, let alone secular schools in those two countries. During his early efforts, his host explained to him that he must make time for three cups of tea in order make progress. The first time they have tea, they are strangers, the second time, they are honored guests, and the third time they become family.
The more time you can spend sitting at a table with someone and really be there with them, the closer you get to that person. You don't have to drink tea, eat, or play a game. Those things certainly help. But, if you can just pull up a chair and talk for half an hour, more power to you. It should be said that there are good ways to have table time and bad ways.
Good ways (not every good way, but you'll get the idea):
I first started the Family on Friday postings with a simple little suggestion about having table time without screens and calls. Gussie responded to said post with a reminder that not all families can find the time to come to the table. I responded with a post explaining the kind of busy life where taking the time to sit is nearly impossible, but consequentially more important. In spite of the very busy life I led, table time remained an integral part of my relationships and I followed with a post in that regard. In fact, I continue to practice table time with wifey, our bug, and often grandma, too. And we just don't really have the same schedule anymore...
So. What is table time? Is it like flight time? Hang time? Well, it sure is worth explaining. Allow me to start by paraphrasing a part of the book "Three Cups of Tea" about Greg Mortenson building schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan. As you can imagine, there are some challenges for an American to build anything, let alone secular schools in those two countries. During his early efforts, his host explained to him that he must make time for three cups of tea in order make progress. The first time they have tea, they are strangers, the second time, they are honored guests, and the third time they become family.
The more time you can spend sitting at a table with someone and really be there with them, the closer you get to that person. You don't have to drink tea, eat, or play a game. Those things certainly help. But, if you can just pull up a chair and talk for half an hour, more power to you. It should be said that there are good ways to have table time and bad ways.
Good ways (not every good way, but you'll get the idea):
- Ask specific, open ended questions (not answerable with one syllable) like "What happened with that diorama you've been working on?" or "What would you like to do this weekend?" or even "Why have you been so happy lately?"
- Listen to the whole response. Try for follow up questions before you get going on your diatribe.
- Steer the attitudes toward the positive. Nothing stirs up indigestion or shrinks an appetite better than negativity. If someone just can't seem to break away from the gripe, call them out on it. Then ask if they can hold off their bad mood for another hour.
- Keep the world off the table. Yes, it's bad. Everyone knows. So, chances are you're just preaching to the choir and they're tired of the sermon. See previous tip.
- You're not at work. Don't talk shop or give the office any free time at the table. I'm sure it's interesting, frustrating, and/or amusing that Harvey used two helical couplings on the trans-spherical drop module and really shot the torque on that puppy through the roof, but save it for another time. Really.
- Get all nostalgic on your peeps. Times may not be all that great and talking about the now could be a violation of the rules. Then find a time that can get you laughing. Go back to before the kids were born if you have to.
- If all else fails, talk in movie/Monty Python quotes. See how long you can keep a convo going using only the quotes you know.
- Complaining. About anything. Kids will remember and resent that. If all the parents do is spend the time at the table talking about how bad working is, what kind of attitude will the kids have toward finding work? If you don't like the food, find a constructive way to alter the meal plan. "You know what would go great with this chicken and rice? Lasagna!"
- Gag order. Eating in silence is a gateway torture.
- Eating is something every living organism needs to do on a daily basis to survive. Don't make eating a directive, punishment, contest, bargaining chip, political movement, spectacle, or personality assessment.
- The Table Time Mandate. Sure. Dinner might be at five-thirty every night. But, you have to account for reality. Table time won't be the same every night and trying to make it that way will diminish its appreciation. Take into account that there will be nights (or mornings) when there is something else to do. Allow that and plan as a family for the next meal/game time.
21 October, 2011
Advocacy of Table Time (Part III)
Family on Friday!!!
Last week, I shared my personal experiences of having an overly busy life and still holding a space for table time. Before that, I wrote about how people get so lost and caught up in the busy life (with good intentions) that they can't quite seem to fit in time to eat, let alone be a family. But, I decided to write this whole "Advocacy" saga to adequately respond to Gussie's comments on the original post about table time without gadgetry. (Go, go, gadget salt-shaker.)
We no longer have the busy life we used to. Wifey works Tuesday through Saturday, I work Saturday through Monday and every night, we have a nearly four month old baby girl, I'm writing a novel (and this blog), and you can get a better idea of our present laid-back lifestyle from my first post.
Three to four times a week, we pack up the bug and all go have dinner at grandma's. Grandma also works. We take turns cooking, all cook something together (the bug just supervises), or none of us cook and we splurge on any of the fine take-out available in the area. We average about two hours at the table every time we meet. That includes games with cookie prizes.
When we can't be at grandma's, wifey and I will have a quiet meal at home with the bug strapped down to a chair at the end of the table. (start 'em early) I know at some point having the bug strapped to a chair during meals will be considered abuse, but for now it's responsible.
We relish this time together. The therapeutic benefits of deepening our tribal connections fuel us with the emotional and mental buffers we need to prevent being overtaken by the tide the rest of the world creates circling the drain. Even if they're not related by blood or marriage, the people you hold on to and trust to hold you up at the worst of times are your family. And this is a great time to sit at the same table.
Of course there are many right and many wrong ways to share table time. But, let's save that for next week...
Last week, I shared my personal experiences of having an overly busy life and still holding a space for table time. Before that, I wrote about how people get so lost and caught up in the busy life (with good intentions) that they can't quite seem to fit in time to eat, let alone be a family. But, I decided to write this whole "Advocacy" saga to adequately respond to Gussie's comments on the original post about table time without gadgetry. (Go, go, gadget salt-shaker.)
We no longer have the busy life we used to. Wifey works Tuesday through Saturday, I work Saturday through Monday and every night, we have a nearly four month old baby girl, I'm writing a novel (and this blog), and you can get a better idea of our present laid-back lifestyle from my first post.
Three to four times a week, we pack up the bug and all go have dinner at grandma's. Grandma also works. We take turns cooking, all cook something together (the bug just supervises), or none of us cook and we splurge on any of the fine take-out available in the area. We average about two hours at the table every time we meet. That includes games with cookie prizes.
When we can't be at grandma's, wifey and I will have a quiet meal at home with the bug strapped down to a chair at the end of the table. (start 'em early) I know at some point having the bug strapped to a chair during meals will be considered abuse, but for now it's responsible.
We relish this time together. The therapeutic benefits of deepening our tribal connections fuel us with the emotional and mental buffers we need to prevent being overtaken by the tide the rest of the world creates circling the drain. Even if they're not related by blood or marriage, the people you hold on to and trust to hold you up at the worst of times are your family. And this is a great time to sit at the same table.
Of course there are many right and many wrong ways to share table time. But, let's save that for next week...
14 October, 2011
Advocacy of Table Time (Part II)
Family on Friday!!!
Last week I kicked off my Advocacy of Table Time series with my version of Gussie's response to the week before's Table Time in the Modern Age post. (Lost yet?) And yes, it is very easy to get knee deep in life. Keep in mind that all of those things beckoning you hither and yon are someone else's show. Present blog included.
They care a lot for their show. They need an audience. And they will run their show at their convenience, not yours. That's one way this blog (and other such 'shows') are more considerate. We just put it out there and let you come by and check it out at your leisure. You're welcome.
I got wrapped up in other people's shows during my high school years. Art club. Junior Classical League. French Club. School Literary Magazine. Junior Civitan. Cross Country. Track. Basketball at the Y. Baseball in the local Pony League. Bowling League. Fencing. Hanging out down the street with my best friend. Dating. A job. Twelve hours of homework every night (yeah, right).
And still, several times a week, I took the time to eat dinner with my family. Often we'd break out a game afterward (like Mille Bornes, Clue, Rummy, Poker, Scrabble, Risk... tiles, cards, and/or dice abound). It was a great way for all of us to forget (not rant) about how hard the day was. When I couldn't be home for dinner, I really felt like I was missing out on the party.
The trend continued at college, where I really became an overachiever. I started acting in plays. Had a dual major. Took officer roles in several student clubs. Co-edited the yearbook. Served as a R.A. Started the Movie Night event in the student union. And generally got involved, earning a spot on the "Who's Who."
Tables were everything. A group of us would meet in the cafeteria everyday (some just to get a drink or ice cream) and sit to talk and make each other laugh. And then again, at the end of the day, a smaller group of us would meet around a table in the lobby of a dorm to become more of a family. And then, even after that, a smaller group of us would go off to the student union to play table games (RPGs, cards, etc.). Those friends that I spent table time with back then are still in my life many years and thousands of miles later.
After college, I kept finding tables to join and still make the time today. But, we'll talk about that next week...
Last week I kicked off my Advocacy of Table Time series with my version of Gussie's response to the week before's Table Time in the Modern Age post. (Lost yet?) And yes, it is very easy to get knee deep in life. Keep in mind that all of those things beckoning you hither and yon are someone else's show. Present blog included.
They care a lot for their show. They need an audience. And they will run their show at their convenience, not yours. That's one way this blog (and other such 'shows') are more considerate. We just put it out there and let you come by and check it out at your leisure. You're welcome.
I got wrapped up in other people's shows during my high school years. Art club. Junior Classical League. French Club. School Literary Magazine. Junior Civitan. Cross Country. Track. Basketball at the Y. Baseball in the local Pony League. Bowling League. Fencing. Hanging out down the street with my best friend. Dating. A job. Twelve hours of homework every night (yeah, right).
And still, several times a week, I took the time to eat dinner with my family. Often we'd break out a game afterward (like Mille Bornes, Clue, Rummy, Poker, Scrabble, Risk... tiles, cards, and/or dice abound). It was a great way for all of us to forget (not rant) about how hard the day was. When I couldn't be home for dinner, I really felt like I was missing out on the party.
The trend continued at college, where I really became an overachiever. I started acting in plays. Had a dual major. Took officer roles in several student clubs. Co-edited the yearbook. Served as a R.A. Started the Movie Night event in the student union. And generally got involved, earning a spot on the "Who's Who."
Tables were everything. A group of us would meet in the cafeteria everyday (some just to get a drink or ice cream) and sit to talk and make each other laugh. And then again, at the end of the day, a smaller group of us would meet around a table in the lobby of a dorm to become more of a family. And then, even after that, a smaller group of us would go off to the student union to play table games (RPGs, cards, etc.). Those friends that I spent table time with back then are still in my life many years and thousands of miles later.
After college, I kept finding tables to join and still make the time today. But, we'll talk about that next week...
07 October, 2011
Advocacy of Table Time (Part I)
Family on Friday!!!
Commenting on last week's post, Gussie pointed out that not only our handy-dandy electronic devices divide us, but that the drawing power of the outside world beckons us to leave our homes in such a rush that tables become a depository of sorts. (I admittedly paraphrased and took liberties, but you can read her comments at the bottom of the post if you're that curious.)
Let me start off Part I of my continued advocacy of table time as a cornerstone of family solidarity by saying it doesn't have to, and probably can't in some cases, be an every night thing (or mornings... I could go for mornings). Making it a chore doesn't help. Kinda makes it counterproductive.
But, if you cannot meet as a family around the table for at least a full meal, dessert, and one game on a weekly basis, then there is a serious problem. The subtext to leading such a busy life is "my family is not as important as these other things." Probably isn't how you feel, but actions are paramount in interpersonal relationships. They define our character (as I've learned in numerous writing classes).
So, yeah. At least once a week. There are days when kiddos will want to sleep over at a friend's house. And days when parentals will want the kiddos to sleep over at a friend's house. Some days, you'll scarcely see your bed, let alone a table. (Interesting how some people get a nice home, fill it with nice stuff, and then barely even sleep there.)
The busy lifestyle is quite simple really.
Commenting on last week's post, Gussie pointed out that not only our handy-dandy electronic devices divide us, but that the drawing power of the outside world beckons us to leave our homes in such a rush that tables become a depository of sorts. (I admittedly paraphrased and took liberties, but you can read her comments at the bottom of the post if you're that curious.)
Let me start off Part I of my continued advocacy of table time as a cornerstone of family solidarity by saying it doesn't have to, and probably can't in some cases, be an every night thing (or mornings... I could go for mornings). Making it a chore doesn't help. Kinda makes it counterproductive.
But, if you cannot meet as a family around the table for at least a full meal, dessert, and one game on a weekly basis, then there is a serious problem. The subtext to leading such a busy life is "my family is not as important as these other things." Probably isn't how you feel, but actions are paramount in interpersonal relationships. They define our character (as I've learned in numerous writing classes).
So, yeah. At least once a week. There are days when kiddos will want to sleep over at a friend's house. And days when parentals will want the kiddos to sleep over at a friend's house. Some days, you'll scarcely see your bed, let alone a table. (Interesting how some people get a nice home, fill it with nice stuff, and then barely even sleep there.)
The busy lifestyle is quite simple really.
- Live an hour from work
- Work a little extra because 110% is the new minimum
- Have the kids cram eight completely different classes in their day, each of which is supposed to assign two hours of homework for every hour in class
- Let the kids join a few clubs (gotta nurture their interests), a sport, and take lessons for fill-in-the-blank
- Join some clubs yourself
- Volunteer
- Be an active part of your community
- Now pick and choose on a daily basis who's being run where to meet the right-after-work/school activities that will run up to the start of the next one (grab dinner on the way)
- Spend time socializing with the people at the end of the second activity who, for some reason, never have anything to do
- Get home sometime before midnight
- Feed the pets and let them out in the yard
- Help kids with homework or trust they are while you flip through the DVR
- Rinse, sleep, repeat
30 September, 2011
Table Time in the Modern Age
Family on Friday!
Or should I say, "Table Time in Spite of the Modern Age?"
The point is, too many people feel that just being in the same room is enough. And there are those who rarely do that anymore. I'm not saying to kill your t.v. or check your phone at the door. I am saying that it would be better to have some place and time when the outside world is left outside. Signing up your family members for a MMORPG account and doing quests together is social, yes, but in a sad, sad way.
Tables are great for social interaction. If you can't seem to connect with your family on a meaningful level over a meal just yet, then try any of a wide variety of table games that are out there. Not all families can converse without heated arguments sending something into the trashcan (I've eaten with you. I know). Try turning those arguments into competitiveness. Nothing can justify animosity better than a game.
Families that have fun together... well... have fun together.
My daughter isn't old enough to play anything more advanced than look-at-the-toy, hold-up-your-head, or how-long-can-you-hold-the-rattle. As a former youngun, I can remember living in my parents' very social home. I've been to houses with teens, tweens, and energy vampires, and it doesn't take long to tell which families set aside time to be a family from those who pass each other in the halls.
I wouldn't suggest quitting the screens cold turkey. Start off just by trying to demonstrate some simple courtesy (hundreds of thousands of moviegoers will thank you). And lead by example. Nothing will build up resentment and rebellion more a than do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude. Think about your attitude toward our government and you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Courtesy can and will prompt a change from looking in the area between the plate and stomach to heads up, eyes forward, and realizing that there are people in the room with whom to speak. The best way to get there relies on incentive and reward, not restriction and punishment. You've got to be ten times more interesting than whatever they're doing to avoid you, not the subject of their next flame.
What's worked for you?
Or should I say, "Table Time in Spite of the Modern Age?"
The point is, too many people feel that just being in the same room is enough. And there are those who rarely do that anymore. I'm not saying to kill your t.v. or check your phone at the door. I am saying that it would be better to have some place and time when the outside world is left outside. Signing up your family members for a MMORPG account and doing quests together is social, yes, but in a sad, sad way.
Tables are great for social interaction. If you can't seem to connect with your family on a meaningful level over a meal just yet, then try any of a wide variety of table games that are out there. Not all families can converse without heated arguments sending something into the trashcan (I've eaten with you. I know). Try turning those arguments into competitiveness. Nothing can justify animosity better than a game.
Families that have fun together... well... have fun together.
My daughter isn't old enough to play anything more advanced than look-at-the-toy, hold-up-your-head, or how-long-can-you-hold-the-rattle. As a former youngun, I can remember living in my parents' very social home. I've been to houses with teens, tweens, and energy vampires, and it doesn't take long to tell which families set aside time to be a family from those who pass each other in the halls.
I wouldn't suggest quitting the screens cold turkey. Start off just by trying to demonstrate some simple courtesy (hundreds of thousands of moviegoers will thank you). And lead by example. Nothing will build up resentment and rebellion more a than do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do attitude. Think about your attitude toward our government and you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Courtesy can and will prompt a change from looking in the area between the plate and stomach to heads up, eyes forward, and realizing that there are people in the room with whom to speak. The best way to get there relies on incentive and reward, not restriction and punishment. You've got to be ten times more interesting than whatever they're doing to avoid you, not the subject of their next flame.
What's worked for you?
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